Harder Everyday
by Miss Peg
Summary: One-Shot; what happened to Emily "before girls"? Set in high school, about a few months before starting college aka the start of Skins .


**AN: This is a quick one-shot, I got the idea a couple of days ago and I really wanted to explore it. I hope you enjoy...**

A strong smell reached her senses; a mixture of tobacco and alcohol lingered in the air as she felt his breath on her cheek. She hated the taste of his tongue pushing into her mouth, the stale taste of alcohol making her feel sick. He continued to kiss her, pushing his body up against her; his excitement obvious. He was so close; his fingers touched her body, exploring places she knew she shouldn't let him. Her body reacted to his touch, but not in the way she expected. She was told to expect electricity and a desire that made her want it to last forever; she'd expected more than she got. All she felt was the dull excitement that she gained from unsuccessfully pleasuring herself. It wasn't amazing or special; it was disappointing. She wondered why she bothered lying there, letting him touch her skin. She wondered why she let his breath cover her face in wisps of hot air. She wondered why she allowed that distinct smell and taste to invade her mind when she neither wanted or liked it. But Katie's words filled her mind, forcing her to continue with the so called act of lovemaking.

"You frigid bitch, if you don't let a boy do you, you'll never have anyone,"

She hated the thought of being alone. Being a third wheel to her twin sister's latest conquests was fine at fifteen, but at twenty she didn't want to be in the same boat and she certainly didn't want to be there at forty. It scared her to picture a life without someone to love; she knew she wanted what everyone else had. But she had never pictured herself with the teenage boy slobbering over her, she'd never pictured herself with any boy, or man for that matter. She didn't get crushes on Hollywood celebrities and she didn't enjoy kissing boys at parties like her sister. She wondered if it was normal to be unable to imagine your future, to think about marriage and kids, but without the ability to imagine the man you wanted to marry. When she was younger Katie had forced her to play weddings and they'd run through Katie's dream wedding for hours, with Emily at her side pretending to be the groom. It hadn't occurred to her then, but they never played out her dream wedding. She started to question why, until it occurred to her that it was because she didn't have one. She wasn't even sure she wanted to get married.

"Oh Emma," the teenage boy, Josh, moaned as his hands travelled under the rim of her jeans, and she momentarily didn't care that he didn't even know her name as he pulled her jeans away from her hips.

Images of the blonde haired girl she'd kissed in middle school flashed into her mind. Naomi; she was stunning, beautiful and had the most amazing body, even in the middle of puberty. She took a deep breath, trying to push the thoughts aside. She was about to have sex with a boy and all she could think about was Naomi. It was wrong. She was about to lose her virginity and she was already fantasising about someone else. Emily bit her lip to stop from whispering Naomi's name as the boy's actions did little to create a fire in the pit of her stomach. Their bodies connected, causing her to squint from the slight pain.

"Emma," Josh moaned again, forcing her to continue, despite wishing she could stop.

She couldn't think about him, she couldn't think about what he was doing. Instead she let the girl's face spin through her mind, imagining the kiss they'd shared. She tried to push the thoughts aside again, but all of her thoughts from that kiss flooded her mind; thoughts she'd pushed aside so many times in her final year at middle school; thoughts she knew weren't "normal". But as she felt her body lose control all she could think about was visually undressing the girl she knew it was wrong to think about naked. Each thrust of Josh's body against hers brought her closer to having a boyfriend, pushed her out of the frigid category that Katie so often put her in. But most of all, it made it harder than ever to deny that what she really wanted was to be with a girl.

As the teenage boy rearranged his dishevelled clothes, Emily lay on the bed watching him. She didn't know what to say, or what to do. She didn't know the process after having sex with someone for the first time in a bedroom at a party. Waiting patiently for him to lead the way, she was disappointed by the words that fell from his lips.

"See you around," Josh muttered, reaching for the door handle.

"Wait," Emily responded, sitting up, "Is that it?"

She didn't know much about sex. But she didn't think "see you around" was enough of a response when you'd just gained a girlfriend.

"Is what it?" he asked.

"Can I get your number?" she mumbled.

It suddenly occurred to Emily, as the teenage boy laughed in her face, that she wasn't getting a boyfriend at all. She watched him leave the room without even answering her question and she knew that she wasn't going to see him again. She expected to feel sad, or used for sex. But a sense of relief settled in her stomach as she realised that she wouldn't have to sleep with him again; she wouldn't even have to look at him. The blonde girl's face slid across her mind again and something dawned on her. She might never have pictured herself married to a man, but as she stood up and fixed her clothes it suddenly occurred to her that she had pictured herself as an adult with only one person and that person was female.

**AN: If you liked this one-shot, please review!**


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